when i stepped up to the microphone everyone stepped up to the stage and pretended like i had something interesting to say even though they knew damn well they didn’t actually care. and i was gonna tell them about all the ways i’ve loved and hated and smiled and cried in the last two years about the same goddamned things and the reason they should care is they had
a)gone through the same things
b)were about to in the coming year or so
so i step up all arrogant on the outside and chewy on the inside like a skittle but not and everyone looks at me and the sound guy clicks everything to 7ish and i set my phasers to stun and i’m drowning in amplifier buzz and shitty lighting and attention.
but as i’m drowning the now-ever-present vicodin life raft splashes in from ship-unknown and i toss my arms over it and float, it turns into this butterfly and floats over me and smiles and gives me encouraging words like a respectful adversary or some shit. its like we’re both warriors on different teams and the only difference is our uniforms. we both need that fight and in turn we need each other. we don’t co-operate we compete. but it’s like ballet where everything falls in and out of place and its ideal and disastrous at the same time.
everyone’s still looking at me and i’m looking back at them and for a couple seconds i hate them for putting me in this position by being supportive and caring about me, hell maybe even LOVING me a little, they should have cast me out and not given a fuck and i could show up one night to an empty room and it would hurt so bad that i’d have PTS and never face down that night again and put it behind me.
i step up to the mic and without another word i start singing:
“stop and go
I wish i didn’t know you at all
welcome to away
now that you got here you don’t wanna stay
i’m black and blue
just tryin’ to make myself gold for you
welcome to away
now that you got here you don’t wanna stay
i was perfectly in love
you were perfectly not
we were both fallin’ hard
only one got caught
and i hate everything
that reminds me of you
so i am hiding under blankets
(that reminded me too)…”
i hope someone questions if this is actually about ANYBODY or I just made it all up in my head
or maybe i wrote it about myself because I had just added another body to the pile i’d left in my romantic wake
maybe i stole the song from some band no one’s ever heard
maybe it eats me up inside to sing this song just like it does to sing all the other ones because i can’t believe that i’m insecure enough to NEED your attention and secure enough to stand in front of you for it
i start to wonder if the world is burning me up
or if i’m burning it…
