This much I know…
“Turn this song into a prayer”
I’ve always subscribed to the idea that we were CONSTANTLY on the verge of something amazing, that every second is the second before we become something truly great. And so, in turn, I never gave up on the idea that EVENTUALLY the sun was gonna shine and I was going to finally become beautiful, that shining perfection we so desire almost constantly.
And it never came, I never became great, I never got brighter, shinier. I can honestly say that at 23 years and a couple months I’m in a darker place than I’ve ever been, with frightening uncertainty harassing me at every second, and it cripples me. There are moments I literally question whether I’ll ever beat this, like a sickness I can’t get over.
How much more strung out can I get?
How much more work can possibly be asked of me?
How many more exhausted nights will I spend working?
How many more people I love are going to turn their backs on me, or worse yet demonize me simply to assert some sense of self for themselves?
How many more shitty people are going to come into my life?
How much worse can I spiral into chemical dependency? (it’s getting progressively worse)
But last night, as I danced in the rain to Lupe Fiasco I had what the spiritual types refer to as a “white light moment.”
Shitty people in my life? Yeah, they exist and they’re not going away. But there are SO many utterly unbelievably perfect people in my life I’m simply being foolish to focus on that negative.
Chemical dependency? Yeah, I tend to rely on drinking and smoking to wind down from all the stress I feel sometimes. But I’m also completely capable of doing the same thing with a guitar or a piano. I don’t NEED to do those things, I simply enjoy them a lot.
Work? It sucks, so bad, and probably way worse than your job. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that the residents I have inspire and move me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Furthermore, if I were to ever to find balance, it’s because of those people I work with. And in seeing people with full lives behind them, I’ve grown to be in such awe at how immense and beautiful life is, sometimes it makes me feel like I’m going to burst, sometimes I can’t handle it.
In closing it comes down to this:
I never had a turning point, I’ve never been on the verge of something great..
I’ve always been great, I’ve always shined, things never got better because they’ve always BEEN better.
And I think that’s all of us.
We’re fireflies.
It’s not a matter of eventually getting our shine, we’ve always had it.
The show goes on, so fix up your makeup.
